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Work Family Season Finale
Tune in for the epic season finale of Work Family, featuring new guest star (aka my much more famous cousin Matilda Lawler)
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Your Summer 2022 Bucket List
This article is part of our Summer Friday series. Every Friday we’ll be dropping a new summer related article to get you through to happy hour. Check out all Summer Friday content here and email us at [email protected] if you’d like to guest write.
Summer has sprung and before we get deep into the throes of it, it’s time to goal set.Like any good corporate worker, I’m releasing a list of goals a full 3 weeks into the quarter with a few things I’ve already accomplished. That’s corporate 101 for you.
Without further ado, here are all the things you should be trying to accomplish this summer.
Apparently the term Bucket List was invented in this movie? That’s insane.
1. Get just the right amount of sunburn so it becomes a very light tan 2-4 days later.
Everyone knows the only way to properly tan for us whites is to crisp the shit out of your skin over the weekend, have everyone tell you on Monday ‘you really got some color this weekend huh’ and then get the perfect tan on a Wednesday afternoon when it ends up being rainy and you can’t go outside and see anyone.
2. Have the intern think that you’re cool one time
Bonus point if they guess how old I am and it’s like 2 years younger than I actually am.
3. Find the perfect outfit / layer combo to wear to the office that works for 90 degree heat outside and freezing cold AC inside.
4. Get a game ball from a baseball game.
Ideally this would come from catching a foul ball, but am also open to befriending a child and/or hot lady sitting in the front row and then stealing the ball from them after a player tosses it to them.
5. Attend a concert without posting a story about it.
6. Make sure the Aperol Spritz does not become the drink of the summer again
You had your time, Aperol Spritz. And it was 4 solid years ago. Let someone else have a shot at the throne.
Early 2022 Drink of Summer Contenders:
Dirty Shirley (Shirley temple with vodka),
Some Sort of Canned Cocktail
Red Bull Jameson (always in the running)
Simply Spiked Lemonade
Previous Drink of the Summer Recipients
2021: High Noon
2020: Espresso Martini
2019: White Claw
2018: Aperol Spritz
Dirty Shirley is gonna take it
7. Get a friend with a boat
8. Get a friend with a Hampton’s house
9. Get a friend with a boat, a Hampton’s house, and a car to drive you to both.
10. Practice radical empathy at the office (not murdering the person tries to be quirky and funny in their automated out of office response and it’s unbearably cringe)
11. Yell something to the players at a baseball game that everyone actually thinks is funny.
Hecklers are generally annoying and not funny, but when you find yourself sitting next to a good one, boy does it make for a fun afternoon.
12. Never answer an email after 1 pm on a Friday
13. Become a notary public
This is very specific to me personally, but I lost my fantasy football league this year and the punishment is to become a notary. Follow me on my journey this summer and remember to always #tipyournotary
14. Stay inside on a beautiful day and don’t feel guilty about it
15. Perfect the belly flop for maximum wow factor at a pool party.
Easily the most under-rated, attention grabbing move at any pool party is the well-executed belly flop. 100% worth the pain.
16. Figure out who Jack Harlow is and what your stance on him will be.
17. See the Marcel the Shell movie no less than 11 times.
18. Hit a really good golf shot, hold the finish and spin the club as I walk to the green to put for double bogey.
19. Find the best way to work outside without burning my fingertips and being completed blinded by the sun
Just trying to avoid being this guy.
20. Man the grill at least once and bashfully reject compliments about the food, saying “eh it’s a little dry thanks though.”
21. Have a mental breakdown in the end of July when you realize how much you’ve abused my wallet, liver, and physical fitness this summer.
There is nothing more exhausting than summer. The weeknight happy hours and weekend trips really start to add up and before you know it, your routine is completely thrown off and you feel like you’re drowning.
22. Ruin the vacation of my coworker who ruined mine
23. Resist the urge to declare every new song that I like the song of the summer.
At least we can all agree it’s not going to be anything off the new Drake album
24. Take a long road trip and successfully man the aux cord for the entire time.
25. Make Heardle the new hot app of the summer
It’s like Wordle but for songs
26. Attend a wedding where someone says “I OBJECT!!!!”
I don’t want this to be my own wedding ideally but damn that would be so fucking sick to be in the pews when this shit went down.
27. Buy summer edition Work Retire Die merch and look cool in front of all your friends.
Historical Photo of a Huge Goldfish or Tiny Hippo of The Week
Much to consider