Come to My Comedy Show Next Friday

Next Friday 2/3 at 9:30 at Caveat NYC (in the Lower East Side), myself and my sketch group Lemon Hands Comedy will be hosting and performing in a variety show featuring some really great acts like Rose Kelso, Momo, Shenuque Tissera,  DC Pierson, and Hooper Improv. 

As an added bonus, I will be offering a FREE NOTARIZED DOCUMENT FOR EVERY TICKET PURCHASED. Last year, I lost my fantasy football league and the punishment was to become a notary, which I have now weaponized in a probably illegal way. But if you need something notarized, I am your freaking man (if you buy a ticket to next Friday's show)

Power Ranking Female Cartoon Brand Mascots By How Much I Want to Marry Them

Well folks, it’s been a hard week for red-blooded American men who sexualize cartoon brand mascots like myself, as M&M recently announced that they would be drop the spicy vixen M&Ms known as the SpokesCandies as their brand mascots. What a sad day for this country, but it’s time to channel that pain into content.

Inspired by this thread by Macy Gilliam of the Most Fuckable Brand Mascots, I’ve decided to take a different, more soulful angle to this cultural discussion and rank the brand mascots by how much I want to marry them. Because I am a straight man, we’re just going to focus on the female ones for today but I encourage all the lovers of men to make their own lists.

A few quick caveats

1. I have been married for over a month which means 1) I am an expert in marriage and 2) this is a hypothetical list, assuming there is a world where I transitioned to a cartoon man and my human wife did not.

2. This is about love, not lust. Sure, there are many beautiful cartoon mascots out there. But beauty fades. I’m looking for something more.

3. For obvious reasons, I will not be discussing some of the mascots that are children. That means Morton Salt Girl, Little Debbie, Coppertone Girl, Wendy, Utz Girl, etc are not included. Side note – we need to examine why so many of our brand mascots are like 6 year old girls. It’s a little weird.

4. Cancelled mascots as of late, like Aunt Jemima, Land o’ Lakes Lady and Mrs. Butterworth are not included. All love to these fine ladies, I just don’t want to enter that minefield. Capeesh?

5. This list is strictly cartoons. Flo from Progressive, the AT&T Girl, and Betty Crocker – I love you guys but you are made of flesh and bone. This isn’t your game to play.  

Let's get into it. 

7. Starbucks Siren / Mermaid

Her body is a little confusing to me

Beautiful, alluring, and mysterious, she has a mythical, seductive quality to her that both excites and intrigues. Her eyes are vast oceans of desire, tempting you to travel miles across dangerous waters just for a brief conversation or a free Venti mocha latte. As a younger man, I would have let this woman ruin me time and time again. But my age and wisdom has taught me to stay away from these femme fatales who leave more questions than answers.

Questions like…what exactly is going on with her lower half? Why does her hair look like that? Is she capable of living on land? Does she even want to? Why is she green? Is it a contagious skin disorder or just how God made her? You get the deal.

Free coffee and interesting hair can only get you so far in a marriage. I’m gonna have to pass.

6. Skinny Cow

Not me sexualizing a cow…go off king.

The only animal on this list and for good reason. She’s playful, accomplished and of course, incredibly attractive.

However, I suspect that she has a very toxic approach to eating and some really serious body image issues. Like her name is Skinny Cow – it’s not her fault that her entire identity is wrapped around her waist size, but that’s still a huge factor. I want to be able to go out to good restaurants and sleep in on Saturdays and she seems like she is the type to have 2 almonds for dinner and go to 5 am Soul Cycles. Just not my vibe.

I’m sure there is another cartoon cow/human/other species out there for her, but it’s not me. I must bid you adieu. (aMoo? Does that work as a pun? Not really)

5. Columbia Pictures Torch Lady

I lowkey thought this was the Statue of Liberty until I was about 16.

How majestic and austere is she? She projects power and class with effortless grace. This is a woman that you can respect and fear in a healthy way. She’s the total package except for one small flaw…her all-consuming focus on her career.

According to Wikipedia, she has been holding that torch that represents something important (Hollywood? America? Film as a genre? The bright light of art in the darkness that is modern society? Idk) since 1913. It is her sacred duty to stand at the ready until the end of time and that’s just the way it is.  

Of course, I respect that. I have no problem with a successful woman. However, I would like to spend some time with my wife. And if she is off holding the lantern of truth on some steps for like 365 days a year, that’s going to make it hard for us to get our quality time in.  That’s the kind of thing that puts a serious strain on a marriage. And for that reason, I’m out.

4. St. Pauli Girl

there is way too much foam in these beers no offense babe

Such a warm, fun-loving girl. Man, we would have a blast wouldn’t we? Just a couple of crazy kids at the local German pub, tossing back pints and not thinking about tomorrow.

Here’s the thing. Her name is St. Pauli Girl. I want a St. Pauli WOMAN.

There’s no doubt that she’s a lovely person with a sweet disposition. But she needs to grow up a bit if she wants to have a serious adult relationship. Maybe I’ll still be there waiting for her once she does, but I can’t make any promises.

3. Sun-Maiden

It’s a tale as old as time. Strong-jawed office worker/blogger on a trip to Raisin Country meets sweet, beautiful raisin picker. She shows him the simplicity of farm life. He shows her KPIs and meme culture.  They fall in love, have 9 children, and then she gets dementia and he writes a notebook of their love story that he reads to her in the hospital so she remembers who he is.

It’s indisputable that we would have a love story for the ages. My one concern, and it’s a massive one, is that I cannot stand raisins. How they became a food staple is one of the greatest mysteries of our time. Grapes are very good on their own! So is wine! We don’t need this weird middle ground version of grape that takes like straight ass.

I love Sun Maiden but can I really live a life where she is bringing buckets of raisins into our home every single day? I have no idea if she is capable of harvesting another type of food or if she has any other marketable skills. I’m not going to stick around to find out. I’m sorry.

2. Miss Chiquita

Her neck must be incredibly strong

What an absolute spark of life. Her upbeat energy is contagious, as is her laugh and love for dancing, no matter the occasion. She’s, of course, objectively beautiful. And that’s not even mentioning her unrivaled ability to balance things on her head, a skill that will come in handy for chores around the house or if we ever have to cross a river.

There’s just one problem – her family. While I love their bananas, the Chiquita company has some skeletons in their closet, including financing a designated global terrorist cartel group in Colombia. At the end of the day, I am man enough to admit that I am scared to marry into a family with cartel ties. It’s not her fault and she can’t help her family. But I would say this is a very serious red flag.  

1. Mavis Beacon

I believe our good friend St.Paul said it best when he told the Corinthians – ‘love is patient. Love is kind. Love does not envy or boast. It is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.’

Every single one of those adjectives describes the lovely Ms. Beacon. Can you pick a more perfect spouse than the woman who taught a generation to type? She’s intelligent, patient, well-spoken. Strong. Beautiful. And just think of our children. She’s clearly experienced in child care and early education. Our beautiful babies would come out of the womb typing perfect and only grow from there.

Of course, I’m not a massive fan of pantsuits but no one is perfect. Mavis, will you be mine?

Hot and Horny Photo of A Hippo Of the Week

In keeping with the theme of today's blog, here is a very sexy hippo sculpture someone is selling on Etsy. If you're an absolute freak, here is the link to buy it.