Soup Addiction Hotline

Be warned of the dangers of soup. 

It's Soup Season Bitches.

The weather has dropped below 80 degrees and it’s officially the first day of fall. That means one thing – it’s soup season bitches.

On this blog, we worship soup as the greatest dish in the food category for several reasons:

1. It is very easy to prepare

2. It doesn’t go bad ever

3. You get to use soup spoons, which are the best utensil (forks are a close second)

4. It warms you right up

5. It tastes positively delicious

6. You always have room for soup

Simple enough. A harder question is, how do we define a soup? Well, you know it when you see it. Basically, it’s a liquid meal with some hunks of meat and veggies in there. Pretty simple.

Is a smoothie a soup? No, it’s just fruits.

Is cereal a soup? No, it’s cold as ice.

What about oatmeal? It’s hot, but also no. It’s a grain (I think).

Basically, don’t have soup for breakfast. Or maybe you should. Even with all my experience, I’m still learning every day. And that’s a lesson for all of you as well.

Regardless, we can all agree that not all soups are created equal. Which is we’re today, we’ll be ranking the top ten greatest soups in soup history. As always, all rankings are final and correct.

Power Ranking the Best Soups of All Time

10. Wonton

This is good when you want both dumplings and soup and can’t make up your mind. Asian soups rock. My favorite thing is the spoon- just ideal for soup slurping. It was a close call but wonton outperforms egg drop (gets me gassy), hot & sour (make up your mind), and miso (I don’t like eating tofu out of principle.)

9. Italian Wedding

I’ve never been to an actual Italian wedding, but I imagine this is served at every course during the reception- otherwise, why the name?

My favorite part of this dish is those little orzos. I feel kind of bad for orzo. It’s always a side pasta. You’ll find it in salads and soups but never a main dish. Oh well. As the old saying goes, always the orzo, never the penne.

8. Soup, Bowling For 

This is the greatest band of the early 2000s and one of the most underrated bands of all time. They went on an absolute run from 2002 – 2004, releasing “1985,” “Girl All the Bad Guys Want,” and “Almost.” They were nominated for a Grammy in 2004, and walked away with the coveted “worst dressed” award for this baby blue ensemble.

Also, their music videos are hilarious.

Their guitarist looks like Fat Joe

And they wrote the theme song to Phineas and Ferb, “Today Is Gonna Be A Great Day.” Top that, The Beatles.

7. Tortilla Soup

Yo soy delicioso

Lots of my gringo friends may have a problem with this one. Well I hope you burn in hell, you racist. Tortilla soup is fantastic. You get the nice little chip crunch mixed together with the perfect amount of spice. Add some avocado in there and we are headed to Flavorpueblo.

6. Clam Chowder (New England)

I give half my paycheck to Panera during the fall

Yes, haters – chowders are soups. They’re the thickest kind.  And while New York is better than Boston in almost every way, when it comes to chowder I gotta hand it to the pilgrims. New York clam chowder is honestly gross. It’s just minestrone soup with some fish. New England brings the cream and it’s generally just a better clam. Go Jets though.

5. Chicken Noodle Soup

This is an American classic and a full meal. Starch, vegetables, meat. Perfect dish.

It’s also the best soup when you’re sick. Frankly, the best part about the weather getting cold is that you get sick more. I love being sick. You get to miss work, wrap yourself in blankets, binge Netflix, chug Nyquil and sleep 14 hours. Add a gigantic bowl of chicken noodle soup with about 45 saltines and you got yourself a day.

Damn I can’t wait to be sick. Oh wait…..I already am 😏😏

4. Chicken Noodle Soup for the Sports Fan’s Soul 

Before smartphones, we didn’t have Instagram to look at while we pooped. So we had little books above the toilet to read. This was my favorite one – each story was about 3-4 pages and inspirational as all heck. Closest equivalent would be those SportsCenter segments about a military member coming home or some 11 year old without a leg winning a wrestling tournament. There was one story in this book about Michael Jordon mentoring inner city Chicago youths that I get choked up at just thinking about. MJ > Lebron

3. Lobster Bisque

I like a nice bisque from time to time. Sue me. This is the soup for when I want to feel like a fancy boy, which is more frequently than I’m willing to admit to myself or my therapist. Give me a top hat. Meet me at the country club. Light that cigar. Let’s talk about how rich we are over a nice lobster bisque.

2. Matzah Ball 

I hold the Jews entirely responsible…..for my 2 favorite bread items, Challah and Matzah Ball soup. Folks, that’s what we call a misdirection. No Anti-Semitism here. Matzah ball soup is so unbelievably good. Sometimes you get 3 medium sized balls, sometimes you get one gigantic fella. Either way, it’s a tremendous treat.

1. Tomato 

It’s the perfect soup. Creamy. Simple. Surprising. It doesn’t try to be something it’s not. It’s just delicious and warms your heart. Put some croutons in that and slurp away. Welcome to heaven.

Most Over-Rated Soups:

• Broccoli Cheddar: Broccoli sucks. Also, how did they make it into a liquid? Don’t want to stick around to find out.

• Butternut Squash: Not a picky eater, but this is the one thing I refused to eat growing up. I prefer my butter and my nuts completely separated. Also, what is the point of squash?

• Split Pea: Bro, for real? They’re peas ~crying laughing emojii~

• French Onion: The cheese on top of the soup can be very hard to manage with a spoon. Plus, this boy has me fartingggg

• Minestrone: You think I want beans in my soup? Get outta here

• Gazpacho: Cold soup? Why bother? Save it for the summer, surfer dude.

Broccoli belongs in a pot not a blender

Best Liquid Based Dishes that Didn’t Qualify As Soups And Had To Be Cut

• Gumbo: This is a stew

• Cereal: Delicious, but milk is hardly a stock and cereal is just bread and sugar. Next please.

• Chili: Again, more of a stew to me. Also, you can put chili on a hot dog or fries. Can you do that with a soup? I hope you don’t.

• Melted Ice Cream: Don’t think I’ll get a lot of pushback on this one. Yes it is soupy but no, not a soup.

• Ramen: Ramen is making a push into the mainsream and could not be happier. I just feel like it’s too noodley for me to consider it a soup. It’s mainly a chopstick dish – I need my soups to be spoon-forward.

• Pho: I’m a gigantic Pho fan. Once went to a place called Pho Tay Do. Delicious food and also the strangest decorations I’ve ever seen in any establishment. See below.

That’s all. Send me pics of you eating soup so I can pretend I have friends.

Unhinged Hippo Soup YouTube Thumbnail of the Week

This is the YouTube thumbnail i found when searching the term 'Hippo Soup.' I am a little confused what they mean by this. The soup made BY a hippo? I don't really think hippos can make soup, or really any food. They just like eat the other animals raw no? Soup by nature is meant to be eaten hot, which means that if hippos truly do make soup, they've mastered the art of fire creation, which would be horrible news for all of humanity. 

Now that you mention it, is there any animal that prepares food besides humans? Can ANY animal make soup or do they just happen to be eating meat when they're underwater. There's just a lot of questions with this and i'm not ready to think too hard about it. 

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