Watching Football with a Guy Who Played in High School

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Power Ranking the Worst Days to Have to Work

Well, it’s the first non-Summer Friday in months and life sucks. But hey, it could always be worse right? Probably not, but you gotta be positive sometimes.

Today sucks but it’s nowhere close to one of the worst work days ever. We're talking about the kind of day that make you curse capitalism and your stupid job that pays for your rent, Seamless and Wall Street Journal subscription that you felt like you had to get but never actually use.

Let’s break down the top 5 worst days to have to work because that’s all I had the energy to write about today.

5. A Bank Holiday that Everyone Else Has Off

This applies to the unfortunate souls that have to work on the following days:

• President’s Day (RIP the Queen, the world’s oldest war criminal)

• MLK Day / Juneteenth (your company is run by old white men)

• March Madness (not a federal holiday but it should be)

• Columbus / Indigenous People’s Day (not political but I don’t care what you call it as long as I don’t have to work)

It is truly such a defeating moment when you find yourself sitting on a Monday afternoon project status call while everyone you know and love is posting Instagram stories of them on cool vacations or building snowmen in the streets or some shit. It’s brutal. Not only does your company not have the decency to pay you a decent salary, they can’t even Arbor Day?!?! If we can’t respect bank holidays, what can we respect in this world?

4. Super Bowl Monday

Obviously, you’re hungover, bloated (why did you finish the last 6 buffalo wings at the end of the 4th quarter? It was like 11:34 pm), and exhausted from staying up to watch the entire game. That sucks, but you’ll have Mondays like that from time to time throughout the year.

No, the worst part about Super Bowl Monday is the small talk with your coworkers.

The last thing you need in your condition is to be asked about your favorite commercial or listen to coworkers who barely know anything about football talk about the game. No Sarah, I don’t know why the ‘guy with the hair from the State Farm commercials’ threw the ball to the other team on 4th down. I lost the better part of my rent on that play, and I’d rather not talk about it. I wish I could say that I’m happy that you somehow won $5,000 in the office Super Bowl Squares, but I’m honestly not. I wish nothing but negativity on you and your entire family. Have a good day.

Excited to update our Super Bowl Bingo Board for next year

3. January 2nd

The first day back to work after the holidays is about as soul crushing as it gets. After checking out at work for the entire month of December (or ‘mail it in season‘ as we call it) it’s time to catch up on all the things you said you’d do ‘after the holidays.’ You’re about 20 pounds overweight and in significant credit card debt, since you put off Christmas shopping until the last minute and had to pay for express shipping for everyone on your list. The weight of the world truly comes crashing down on your admittedly impressive shoulders (if you have weak shoulders, stop reading this now.)

The worst time to go back to work after the holidays has to be in your first year out of college. To me, this is when ‘Work Retire Die’ (someone should make a blog about that) hit me and I realized that I would be doing this shit for the rest of my life.Your first 6 months after graduation don’t exactly feel real. It almost feels like you’re studying abroad as an adult – living in a new city, going to work every day, and humiliating yourself at local clubs are all just new experiences and fun little parts of your life. You go home to your parents for a couple weeks during Christmas break, reconnect with old friends at an open-bar for New Years Eve that’s way too expensive, and it starts to feel like the last 4 years of school. Then January comes and you pack up your stuff, head back to your apartment and you just…go back to your life and nothing changes. Ever. Until you die. Or you retire but probably not. Got it??

God bless you if this is your boss

2. Tuesday after Labor Day Weekend

Summer is officially over. Your liver, bank account, and social battery are at an all time low. You’re drowning under a sea of Venmo requests from the long weekend, follow up emails you should’ve responded to 6 days ago, and shame, regret and anxiety from a long weekend of debauchery. Sure, football is around the corner, but that doesn’t change the fact that your brain will be foggy and your vision will be blurry until Thursday morning at the absolute earliest.

The only saving grace for today is the knowledge that it’s a 4 day week, but honestly that can almost be a pitfall. If you’re like me, you pushed off an insane amount of work last week and mentally started preparing for the long weekend on Wednesday afternoon. Now, you have to catch up on all that PLUS the new work from higher ups that finally returned from their Hamptons house and are ready to make your life miserable again. All in 4 days. YUCK!

1. Finding Out You Didn’t Get the Job You Interviewed For After You Mentally Prepared to Quit

Just got a shiver writing that out. Finding a new job while you’re still employed is hard work and honestly becomes a second full-time gig. By the time you’ve found a role you’re interested in, written a cover letter that is 80% buzzwords and outright lies, and interviewed with at least 4-5 people, over a month has passed. You can’t help it, but you’ve talked yourself into your new job and mentally checked out on your old one. You’ve let all your projects slide, stopped participating in meetings, and routinely ignore the reminders to update your password since you know you’ll be gone soon anyways.

But then you get that dreaded email that your new dream job is ‘going in another direction,’ and your entire world crumbles. Not only do you not get a cool new job (honestly, it probably wasn’t that cool,) but now you have to return to your old job and do alllll that shit you’ve been ignoring. You’re not sure if you can bring yourself to start laughing at your boss’s jokes again and pretending like you care about best-in-class consumer experience for your kitchen appliance company. But what other choice do you really have?

Hardcore Hippo of the Week

Suck this hippo dick, you dumb ass alligator bitch. The Bad Boy Train is running all weekend long and hippos ride for free. Salute.

Longforms of the Week

• Spiritual Gurus who lost their way.

• The super rich apocalypse preppers that I think are kind of the worst.