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Fall Has Fallen: Power Ranking Fall Activities
Yesterday I wore shorts outside and was pretty cold so I’m officially declaring, what we call in the biz, Full Blown Fall (FBF.) As such, it is time to break out annual power ranking of fall activities. As always, all decisions are final and correct.
Let’s get into it
15. Hay Rides
Not that fun at all. At all! I cannot name a single good thing about a hay ride. Not only are these things very bumpy, they are also very hay-ey (new word alert.) Why would I want to ride around a farm at 11 miles an hour surrounded by the rich musk of dried grass and pig shit? Hay is for horses and you are a human.
If you genuinely like a hay ride, you need to take a long, hard look in the mirror and ask yourself why you feel the need to behave like this. I get you didn’t get enough love as a child but this is just too much.
14. Corn Mazes
Your average corn maze will basically go one of two ways.
1. Extremely easy and you’re done in like 3 minutes. Even the toddlers can figure this one out and you just spent your afternoon making a few left turns for no reason.
2. The hardest maze in human history. You are trapped inside a prison of corn, hay bales and your own horrible decision making. After about 30 minutes, you are genuinely concerned you may never get out of that maze alive and start drafting a will and regretting you never took out life insurance.
Also, fun fact – the Native American’s called corn ‘Maize’, so when you think about it, corn maze literally means corn corn. Just something to consider.
This is also going to become an actual problem this year when it comes to Instagram captions and cringey Tik-Toks posted by someone you vaguely know from high school thanks to that Corn Kid song.
13. Apple Picking
Let’s travel an hour from our homes and do manual farm labor for 2 hours! I get it, you get a sick Instagram out of it, but is it worth having to lug back a bag of 6 dozen apples that just sit in your fridge for 3 weeks before you throw them out? You literally don’t even eat apples to begin with and now you have an entire drawer dedicated to them. Congrats, jackass.
Also, you know they do sell apples at the store, right? I know, you’re in your mid to late 20s and you’re running out of things to do, but buy a Peloton or a dog or something. Don’t support Big Apple Picking.
Brooo you are not going to use that many apples give it a rest. Save some for the horses.
12. Pumpkin Picking
Similar concept to the above, but the benefit here is you do get a pumpkin for your apartment, which is actually kind of sick. I’m not personally a great pumpkin carver (I lack attention to detail and the ability to care about decorative items) but if I see a well carved pumpkin, I’ll tip my hat to it. Not ashamed to admit that.
The one negative to having a pumpkin in your apartment is you will 100% forget about it, let it rot and you’ll have a bit of a mess and stink on your hands. On the plus side, you can take that pumpkin outside and smash it against the ground, which is extremely satisfying. Someone should make a band name about that.
11. Enjoy Pumpkin Flavored Food or Drinks
Objectively, these are not that good. There’s a reason they’re only available for like 4 weeks a year. Quick power ranking of pumpkin flavored items.
5. Pumpkin Spice Latte (yuck)
4. Pumpkin Pie (no thank you)
3. Pumpkin Beer (this isn’t Harry Potter. Let’s not have beers that taste like food.)
2. Pumpkin Bread (pretty good in a pinch)
1. Toasted Pumpkin Seeds (actually very very good)
10. Watch a Football Game At the Bar
I love football as much as the next guy. Maybe even more than the next guy, depending on who the next guy is. But watching the game at the bar is an extremely hit or miss situation.
Half the time, the game you want to watch is one of like 7 TVs. You can barely see what’s going on, the phone service is horrible so you can’t check your fantasy teams or get a bet in, and it takes an hour to get a food order in. You end up spending $100 and only getting slightly drunk, making your Sunday Scaries even worse as you anticipate your Monday hangover and massive credit card statement from the weekend.
Yes – sometimes, if it’s a big game, this is an incredible experience. There’s nothing like celebrating a touchdown with another drunk stranger at the bar. But honestly, especially in the NFL, the big games don’t really come until the end of the season and the playoffs, which are in the winter. WINTER IS NOT FALL! Case closed.
9. Take a Fall Couple’s Photoshoot
There is no greater sign of a marriage / relationship crumbling than posting a professional photoshoot surrounded by leaves on your social media. Photoshoots are really only acceptable in big life moment events (engagement, wedding, new child, etc.) and that does not apply to fall. By definition, it comes literally every single year – it’s not cause for a photoshoot.
Why is it #9 on this list then, you ask? I actually don’t know. I woke up late this morning and am just kind of running with it. Worry about your own blog / newsletter / meme page / hit or miss Tik Toks.
Below are some couple’s fall Instagram captions we will not be allowing:
-Falling for This One
-Leaves change but our love doesn’t 🍂
-The 🎃 to my spice latte
-I love you more than apple cider donuts 🤪
-The apple of my eye
-My boo 👻
-I like picking apples but I love picking you
-#squashgoals
8. Look at Leaves
Contemplative as fuck. Give me a nice, windy fall drive through a stretch of peak foliage. Take me to a park bench where I can sit in reflection. Put me next to a window where I gaze longingly at falling leaves as a fire crackles beside me. Observe changing leaf structure is one of the best ways to truly be at peace in this world.
At the same time, you can only look at so many leaves before you get bored. We have computers in our pocket, IPAs and are alive during the peak of TV and cinema. There’s much better shit to do.
7. Go to a Haunted House
I would venture to guess that haunted houses have the largest variance in quality of any major fall event. There are some straight up terrifying haunted houses out there and some real stinkers. Honestly though, it doesn’t matter. We accept the bad ones because nothing makes you feel closer to God and/or death than being truly frightened at a haunted house.
6. Break out the Slow-Cooker
To the surprise of no one, Crocktober is once again in full swing this year as we start to approach cold weather. It is the perfect time to get your pot roasts, pulled porks, soups, stews, and chilis absolutely bumping for 4-8 hours on a Saturday. Blow your guests away with a buffalo chicken dip. Wow them with a white bean casserole. Shock them with a seasonal soup.
Fuck an air fryer because we slow cook on this blog.
How insane is this Crockpot btw
5. Pickleball
Officially has overtaken Spikeball as the ideal adult recreational sport. It’s the perfect combination of everything you want from a Saturday afternoon fall workout – competitive spirit, enough physical exertion to get your heart rate up but not so much that you’re covered in sweat, and simple enough that everyone (age, gender, athletic level) can play it at a relatively similar level. Also, it’s new and everyone knows that new stuff is better.
Keep in mind I’ve never actually played Pickleball so take that entire paragraph with a grain of salt. It does look fun though.
Look at these folks go
4. Tailgate a Football Game
So, so, so much fun. One of my favorite things to do. Even if your team sucks, the combination of good food, day (or morning) drinking, and casual lawn games is one that can’t be beat. Tossing the pigskin in the parking lot while polishing off your 9th Bud Light as your buddy’s ‘Tailgate SZN’ playlist bumps from his shitty speakers is what God had in mind when he created humans (or the evolution that led to humans being created. Not getting into a creationism conversation right now.)
The only reason this bad boy isn’t #1 is that it really takes over your entire day. Usually, a stadium is at least 45 mins away, meaning you gotta get up at around 8 or 9 am if you want to properly tailgate. Getting home’s a nightmare with traffic and while there’s nothing better than the post tailgate nap, there’s nothing worse than waking up at 9:30 pm on a Sunday with a hangover and not being able to fall back asleep until 2 am.
3. Call Out Sick with a Cold
One of the great joys in life is having a cold during a weekday. Wrapping yourself in a blanket, bingeing bad TV, living off of cough drops and chicken soup, and sleeping 11 straight hours after you chug NyQuil is what heaven must feel like. Let someone take care of you and allow yourself to be weak for once in your life (you are actually probably a very weak person but justify it to yourself however you’d like.)
2. Watch Red Zone On Your Couch
Watching 7 hours of commercial free football, surrounded by 3-5 of your friends, is how the world’s greatest game should be enjoyed. You’re in the safety of your home, you can check your fantasy team and your bets, and order food directly to your couch. Beers are free, you can smoke a little weed, and hit your little vape pen like the nicotine addicted freak that you are.
If you get a little Sunday Scaries, go ahead and check your email or maybe even do some laundry or shit like that so you feel a minor sense of accomplishment.
1. Have a Friendsgiving
The perfect combination of getting shitfaced and finding out which one of your friends sucks at cooking. They say friends are the family that you choose. Personally, I think sometimes it’s just the people that happen to live in your city who share the same vices as you, but I get the sentiment.
Either way, a Friendsgiving is the good parts of Thanksgiving without any of the annoying family stuff. And hopefully, no cranberry sauce because, as always, fuck that shit.
DON’T watch this movie btw. It’s super bad
Honorable Mentions:
Go to the Hunt When You’re Under the Age of 25
Wear a Flannel and/or Bomber Jacket
Buy a Gallon of Apple Cider from Trader Joes and Never Drink It
Get Fall Scented Candles
Think About Applying to Grad School
Adult Trick or Treating
Jumping in Leaf Piles
Force a Committed Relationship out of a Summer Fling
Bet the rent on a Tuesday night college football game between 2 teams you’ve never heard of in your life.
Anything Candy Corn related
Get hypothermia waiting to get into a bar wearing a sexy Halloween costume when it’s 45 degrees outside
Put on 7 pounds
Horrifying Halloween Hippo Mask of the Week
Hippo culture is not your costume guys. Get a grip.