NEW LIVE SKETCH SHOW

Excited to announce that I'm performing live with my sketch comedy group Lemon Hands comedy on Friday 11/4 at 6:30 pm at the PIT Loft (in NYC.) We'll also be performing with the brother comedy duo of  Kyle Gordon and Sam Gordon.

Check out our YouTube for videos to see what we're about or just watch the video below (BEAN LOVERS ONLY)

What Your Office Lunch Choice Says About You

Well, working remotely was fun while it lasted but with COVID still existing but we stopped caring about it completely behind us, it’s time for us all to return to the office. While only 10% of workers are in the office every day, last month, it was reported that over 50% of NYC workers have returned to some level of in-office attendance, with the number expected to rise in the coming months.

While this admittedly sucks ass, there is one benefit of being in person – the return of the work lunch. There are several different options for what you eat at the office and today we’re breaking down what your choice means about you. As always, all decision are final and correct.

Let’s get into it.

Meal Prepped Feast: You Think You’re Better than Everyone

This cannot be easier or cheaper than getting a sandwich from next door

You brought in multiple Tupperware containers and used 2 microwaves and 11 minutes to prepare for lunch for one reason: to show the entire office how superior you are. Sure, you try to hide your true intentions by humbly telling everyone ‘it’s way cheaper to cook at home!’ Honey. Your plate of braised pork with a teriyaki glaze, mashed potatoes, green beans, and cous cous (sp?) easily costs $22 in grocery money and untold amounts of time in manual labor. We’re not fooled. And yes, we know you’re “doing keto now” and it’s “just easier to cook for yourself.” We also know that you brought your lunch today hoping we’d ask you about it so you could mention you’re doing keto and how it’s really hard but totally worth it. We’d respect you a bit more of you just owned it instead of acting so coy.

Fast Casual Chain: You’re Basic

Quick tanget: The creation of Fast Casual Lunch Spots is up there with email (we used to send memos??), standing desks, and Zoom as inventions that have shaped the modern workplace to the beautiful hellscape it is today.

If you don’t know what a fast casual chain lunch place is, here is some quick criteria

• No waiters. Food is made in front of you as you go through a line.

• Average meal price between $9 and $19

• Food quality is slightly above fast food

• No drive-through

• Decorated and laid out like this

In short, if you want something quick, not disgusting, from a place you trust and relatively affordable, this is your place. Essentially, Chipotle.

Quick Tiered Ranking of Fast Casual Lunch Spots

Look, you’re basic. There’s nothing wrong with that though. You’ve gone to Chipotle 11,000 times in your life and so has the rest of America. So what? You make decisions every second of the day at work and when you finally have 30 minutes to call your own, you don’t want to spend it getting food that’s ‘good’ or ‘interesting.’ You want to put in your headphones, listen to a podcast as you walk a few blocks, wait in line for 5 minutes, order the same chicken bowl you’ve ordered since you were 19, and walk back to your office to eat it at your desk as you catch up on emails. Is that a crime?

The Last Things in Your Fridge: You’re A Mess

Getting chills looking at this lunch I had once a week for all of 2017

Like clockwork, on the 29th and 14th of each month, you are sadly eating a turkey mayo sandwich with a banana and bowl of yogurt at your desk, chatting with the Bank of America helpline to get an overdraft fee removed from your account and figuring out how you’ll make it to payday. We feel bad for you, but we also know you make enough money to not have to live like this. You’re not ‘broke’ you just drink too much, order Seamless every night and Uber to work 2x a week because you can’t wake up before 8:45. You’re clearly still figuring out how to be an adult, which is totally fine, but can we trust you to do anything of actual consequence in the workplace? Probably not, but did you really want it in the first place?

Leftovers from Someone Else’s Catered Meeting: You’re Addicted to Free Stuff

Yayyy mediocre food to save $11

You lurk outside conference rooms and in the office kitchen like Gollum every day, praying for a small morsel of leftover pizza or lukewarm tacos from a meeting with people far more important than you. You don’t’ care about quality, you care about one thing only – the fact that it’s free. Your lust for giveaways is insatiable: your entire wardrobe is branded merchandise from your company, your furniture is entirely trash picked and your dinner every night for the past 6 months has been from a free trial of a new meal delivery service that you’ll never sign up for but get emails from for the rest of your life. Your entire junk drawer is full of free cozies that you’ve gotten at various concerts, networking events, and guys on the street getting you to sign a petition. It doesn’t matter that you’ve never used a cozie in your life. What matters is that it’s free.

Local Deli: You Want to Be a Regular

I’m totally boys with the owner he calls me buddy it’s like our pet nickname

Unlike those basic fools who go to Sweetgreen every day, you’ve decided to support small businesses and go to the deli around the corner for your meal. Sure, it’s a little bit more expensive, the wait’s longer, and the smell is not amazing. But the food is worth the wait and more importantly, you’re well on your way to achieving your lifelong dream: being a regular at a sandwich shop.

Your greatest joy in life is bringing another coworker with you, telling them they “have to get the #7” (basically just a ham and cheese sandwich with Russian dressing), and making 3 minutes of small talk with the cashier that you call by name. Yes, she clearly doesn’t really know you are, but she gives you an extra pickle and calls you honey. And that’s enough for you.

Smoothie or Protein Shake: You’re A Robot Who Needs Therapy

Shoutout my previous job where people drank this every day. you know who you are psychos

You’ve decided to take lunch, the one small window of time you have to enjoy your life in the office, and turn it into another avenue towards self-improvement. We get it, you’re training for a marathon and the Cross-Fit national championship is just around the corner. We’re all very happy for you. But you’ve substituted the part of your day that brings you joy for liquid sustenance, and that’s very sad. Your apartment is extremely clean in a scary way, you wear the same outfit to work every single day, and you read the Wall Street Journal cover to cover even though you don’t work in finance.  What you really need is some sort of vice, but you’re worried that like everything you do, you’ll take it way too far and it will control your life. Your discipline is rooted in fear of your own demons and the sooner you accept that, the happier you’ll be.

Street Hot Dog: You’ve Given Up on Life   

Kevin James in Hitch before he learns to love himself for who he is inside

Get a grip man. We all know you’re going through a divorce but Jesus Christ. If you want something quick and unhealthy, get a slice of pizza. But now you have mustard on your shirt and 4 pounds of processed pork in your gullet. Please start taking care of yourself so we don’t have to.

Hard Hippo Truth of the Week

Can you imagine accidentally crushing your own child? I think there's a Bible story about that and it involved splitting a child in half or something, but the point is the entire hippo community is in desperate need of a crib or bassonet industry. It's just too dangerous and it makes me sick to my stomach. 

Fall Merch Line

Realized I forgot to include a link to merch last week. Wow what a fucking moron I am. Smash that link below and use WRD10 for 10% off.