- Work.Retire.Die
- Posts
- Jacked by Late June Washed Up Workout Guide
NEW WRD MERCH
Early drop for some new summer merch. More designs coming next week when I have more time to make them all fancy and shit.
BUY THE CORDUROY HAT:
BUY THE DENIM BUCKET:
Jacked by Late June Washed Up Workout Regime
Society is officially back in business and it’s time to start preparing for summer. Sure, it’ll be great to have Summer Fridays, vacations, and life altering sunburns again, but there is one drawback…you’re going to have to wear a bathing suit and reveal your horrible, COVID-ravaged body to the masses.
If that thought sends a shiver down your spine, then this blog is for you. If you’re actually in shape, please go ahead and close this browser, throw your phone or computer into the nearest trashcan, pour a gallon of gasoline on it (if you can find any these days) and light it on fire. These tips are for washed up people who forgot to work out for the past 3 – 7 years and aren’t going to make any drastic lifestyle changes, but are willing to make a few tweaks here and there.
Why is it Jacked by Late June you ask? Two reasons.
1. This isn’t an overnight process. You can barely do a pushup. You’re not going to be able to take your shirt off Memorial Day Weekend. That’s ok. You don’t want to peak too early anyways.
2. Late June gives you some flexibility. If you’re jacked on June 18th, congratulations. You can now slack off for the rest of the summer. If not, you still have until June 31st to get into passable physical shape. There’s still time.
Let’s get into it. If you’re too lazy to read, I’ve also prepared a full video with the highlights for your viewing pleasure.
The goal is to be slightly more in shape than this
1. Have a Healthy (er) Diet
You’re a human garbage pail who orders Seamless every night and ate an entire pizza at 3 am last weekend. If you actually wanted to have a good diet, you’d have to drastically alter everything about your life and personality. We’re not here to do that, but here are some quick things you can cut out to make that body look sexy as fuck.
Shift from IPAs to light beers
Eat a salad once a week and tell everyone about it
Don’t order dessert at restaurantsYou shouldn’t be doing this anyways, since it’s drags out the dinner when everyone wants to go home, so this is an easy one to cut out.
Pivot to diet sodas for your mixed drinks
Get a burrito bowl instead of a burrito at any fast-casual Mexican dining establishmentThis also includes Taco Bell
Switching to oat or almond milk in your coffee.Honestly, just drink it black like a grown up. If you need fake milk to drink your coffee, you have the palate of a 9 year old. Get a clue.
You’re allowed 4 cheat days a week, so use them wisely.
2. Dress Well, Exercise Well
There’s no point in exercising if you’re not going to look good doing it. Plus, if you spend a few days buying cool workout clothes or equipment, you get to feel like you’re working out without actually having to do it. Even better, when those packages finally arrive you get a shitload of endorphins AND you get a quick arm and leg workout in when you pick them up and carry them to your apartment. Win-win.
If you’re really committed to the fitness game, I’d recommend wearing as many layers as possible when you exercise so you sweat your little ass off. Honestly, you don’t even have to workout. You could just throw on a sweater, winter jacket, and beanie, crank the heat up as high as it goes, and create a sauna in your apartment. Your heating bill will be catastrophic but you might lose 2 pounds.
You can also buy one of these for just 3 easy payments of $399.99
3. Invest in Supplements
We have 4-7 weeks to get in shape. It’s not going to happen with just diet and sweating alone. We need help from the good people at GNC to take your body from its current state (a bag of milk) to something that won’t inspire disgust and revulsion. Plus, the fact that you spent a shitload of money on this stuff should motivate you into actually using them. It probably won’t, but it should.
Stock up on as much pre workout as you can find. I’m not going to tell you to snort it, but I’m not going to tell you not to. Either way, you want to start drinking this 30 minutes before you plan on working out. Even if you don’t end up actually exercising, you’ve still spent the better part of your paycheck and developed a caffeine addiction. Worth it.
For the fellas, you want to go hard on the protein powder and whey. This is going to make you strong as hell after you do a half-assed 25 minute workout of 50 pushups and 12 bicep curls. Plus, you can put a scoop into your mixed drink and get shredded while you get hammered. The actual dream.
For the ladies, this means getting all those weird green tea smoothies or pro-biotic pills or whatever. If you don’t buy these, you simply don’t have a chance at looking good in a bikini this summer. I don’t make the rules, I just blog about them.
4. Focus on One Body Part
Realistically, you’re only going to work out once a week. And that’s ok. You have a job, friends, and adult onset depression. You got a lot going on.
Instead of trying to get your entire body into shape, focus on one part that you can showcase this summer. I won’t speak to the female experience, but for the fellas, this can be your biceps, stomach, chest, calves, or even your forearms. Good forearms look great in a golf polo. People forget that.
The point is, you want to have a calling card so when people see you at the beach this summer, they’re like “ya know what? I thought that guy was really washed up but then he showed up with those traps and now I’m pretty attracted to him. Maybe I’ll even marry him one day if he takes his career a little more seriously.”
Sorry Michaelangelo’s David. This is the ideal male figure
5. Accept That You Will Not Get Into Shape and That’s Probably Fine
Your greatest strengths are your personality and that your parents have a cool beach house you can invite people to. Lean into that instead of feeling bad about being less fit than you were at 19. Plus you might get lucky and come down with food poisoning and lose 5 pounds through pure diarrhea and vomit. That’s always on the table.
Historical Photo of a Hippo Pet of the Week
I miss the good ol' days, when you could have a hippo just chill at your feet and hang out with no problems in the world. PETA wouldn't allow that kind of shit these days. Where did our country go?