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What Your Halloween Costume Says About You: A Hater’s Guide

Halloween is fast approaching and it’s time to start making the important decision – what will I pretend to be this year to escape the horrible reality that is my life?

Today we’ll be breaking down the types of halloween costumes and what they say about you. And we’ll be doing it in a very mean way.

Let’s get into it.

1. Sexy

This is just out of bounds. You’re taking a normal costume and just cutting off 90% of the fabric.

What It Means: You’re hot. Congratulations. I hope working out was worth it. This is literally one of 5 times a year that it will pay off. Go get a personality.

How Your Night Goes: 75% of your time is spent taking pictures for Instagram and replying to thirsty story replies in your DMs. The other 25% is spent convincing yourself and others that you’re not dressing like this for attention – it’s just part of your costume to showcase your rippling six pack and unhealthily veiny arms. You nearly die from hypothermia waiting in line to get into a bar.

Costume Options:

For the ladies, you got angel, devil, superhero or pretty much anything you can make into a crop top.

For guys, this basically consists of incorporating a shirtless aspect into your costume. This can be either be a legitimate shirtless choice like Tarzan or Magic Mike or just the shirtless version of a normal costume (shirtless waiter?)

2. Funny

Just a very expensive joke

What It Means: You’re funny. We get it. Instead of seeing a therapist about your need for constant attention and validation, you decided to dress as Buddy the Elf. Cool dude. Move along. The grownups are talking.

How Your Night Goes: You spend most of the night hovering around conversations, waiting for people to notice your costume and give you that coveted “hilarious costume man” that you so desperately crave. About 4 hours in, you’re bombed and forgot you’re wearing something absolutely absurd and start to question why strangers are giving you weird looks. You are NOT getting laid.

Costume Options:

Anything meme-related (ie Bernie Sanders in mittens), a far too expensive dinosaur costumes from Spirit Halloween, early 2000s pop culture reference like Hannah Montana or Rugrats, something that you didn’t think through enough and is actually incredibly insensitive and will sabotage any chance you have of political office.

3. Lazy

We get it Jim, you’re the cool guy. There’s a reason Pam didn’t want you for years. Put your fucking neck on the line for once man.

What It Means: You have given up on life and settled into a long malaise that will define the rest of your days. You thought you’d be someone who mattered one day, but you don’t have the drive, intelligence or charisma to ever escape mediocrity. Halloween comes around and you don’t want to stay at home, but you forgot to plan ahead and you’re not going to spend $80 on a costume or take any sort of risk.

How Your Night Goes: Every time you enter a new conversation, people’s face falls in disappointment once they see your ‘costume.’ Your lack of participation might have seemed cool to you when you left the house, but it’s kind of a bummer to everyone else. Just play ball for once in your goddam life, you Holden Caulfield little shit.

Costume Options:

Sports Jersey, Cat Ears, Nerd, The Costume You Bought 3 Years Ago That You’ve Worn Every Halloween Since.

4. Legitimately Scary

You’re dressed like this and you want me to like make conversation with you at a party?

What It Means: Jesus Christ, we thought you were normal. What happened to you in middle school dude? You have some sort of strange demons that you let out of their little cage once a year. I guess this is probably healthy, but I’m gonna reconsider how much time I spend with you moving forward.

How Your Night Goes: You can’t hold a conversation for more than 30 seconds because people won’t maintain eye contact or take you seriously. Children cry when they pass you on the street. You go home, burn incense in your Satan shrine, sacrifice a rabbit, and settle in for a good night’s sleep.

Sidenote: These people are what make Halloween scary for me. I’m not scared of their costumes – I’m scared they’re going to commit a grisly murder and not get caught because they’re wearing a mask and covered in fake blood as a “costume” and the police will never find them.

5. Niche Pun / Pop Culture Reference You Have to Explain to Every Person

I’m sorry, you dressed as Negroni Sbagliatti because it was a Tik-Tok trend for like 2 weeks? How were we supposed to get that?

What it Means: You are a genius. Cutting edge. Tragically misunderstood in your time. Sure, there are some who don’t understand that you holding a leaf-blower with a whistle and an image of the Facebook logo taped to it means that you’re the Facebook WhistleBlower. That’s not your fault. You can’t force them to read The New Yorker cover to cover like you do.

How Your Night Goes: You don’t need to eat or drink tonight. The feeling of smug superiority you get when youexplain your joke to every person you meet is enough to sustain you for at least 12 hours.

Costume Options: I don’t want to give any of you any ideas for this. Just stay home if you’re going to do this.

6. Cop / Firefighter / Construction Worker

What are you 11?

What it Means: You had the opportunity to pretend to be anything in the world and you chose a middle-class government worker. This means you either lack imagination, or you secretly hate yourself for taking that job in marketing and contributing nothing to the world.

How Your Night Goes: You’re dressed as one of the Village People, so pretty fucking mediocre. MAYBE if you’re a cop, someone will jokingly pretend like you’re arresting them but is that worth it? In this climate?

Also, you will inevitably walk past the profession you’re pretending to be for the night and be slightly embarrassed. You want to explain to a construction worker that you’re dressed like them as a joke? You know if you really want to be a firefighter you can go do that right? They are probably understaffed right now to be perfectly honest. Get a grip.

7. Anything Stranger Things Related

Oh you’ve seen the most popular show in America? Nice.

What It Means: You have the most basic level of cultural awareness but refuse to admit it. You just heard “Die Hard is a Christmas movie” or “pineapple doesn’t belong on pizza” and think they’re fresh takes. You send your friends memes that were viral 2 weeks ago. You still use Facebook.

How Your Night Goes: Your heart sinks as you enter the Halloween party and realize there are 11 other people with the exact same costume as you. This is just like last year when everyone else also dressed as Squid Games – why does this keep happening? You try to soldier on through the night, but you can’t stop thinking how you spent $300 on a helmet and sweat suit that you’re literally never going wear again.

The only thing more basic than going as a Stranger Things character is writing a blog about what each Halloween costume says about your personality. Never been done before.

8. Couple’s Costume

This is just sad guys. I hope you have receipts

What It Means: You have long lost any semblance of an actual personality and let yourself become consumed in the irresistible joy that is couplehood. Why do crazy things like ‘have your own interests’ when you can just throw your entire being into another person that will probably end up resenting you and leaving you in 6-11 months? You’ve lost every argument from what to get for dinner tonight to how to decorate the apartment in the neighborhood that you don’t want to live in, so why put up a fight now.

How Your Night Goes: You go to a party with “your friends” that are actually your significant other’s friends. You spend the night telling everyone how excited you both were to be Travis Barker and Kourtney Kardashian but everyone can tell you were dragged into this costume kicking and screaming. Your other half ends up ditching you to chat with their friends and you’re stuck talking to someone’s weird boyfriend who doesn’t watch sports or keep up with any sort of pop culture. After 3 minutes of failed small talk, you sit in the bathroom on your phone for 45 minutes until it’s time to go home.

Horrifying Hippo of the Week

This is not cute. This is terrifying. The fact they can do this to a pumpkin sends a shiver down my spine and it should do the same to you. Truly cursed animal that we share this planet with.