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Features Instagram Should Add in the Next Update

It’s been a big week for Instagram and not in the good way. Everyone from the Kardashians to some viral tweets that I don’t really want to look up right now, is pissed off about the new updates that will feature more Reels from people you couldn’t give less of a shit about that went viral on Tik-Tok 3 weeks ago. Adam Mosseri, current Head of Instagram, seemed to make matters worse after releasing a video promising everyone that he hears their feedback but will not be addressing it, which is always the best way to approach a user-based business model.

Luckily for Adam, I’m a man of the people and here to help. I also really don’t want to have to join BeReal because it’s slow as shit and I also have a pretty boring life, so let's make Instagram work ok pal? 

Here’s what we really want for the next round of updates.

Features That Instagram Should Add in the Next Update

I gotchu bud

1. Option to watch Stories of either Infographics or normal fun content of people enjoying their lives every time the Supreme Court makes a new ruling

Look, I want to be informed and I’m generally also pissed off too. However, I also like seeing people partying and having fun! But the whiplash of going between the two types of stories can be way too much sometimes, especially on a day where something shitty happens. Our brains were not built to hear that the planet is going to burn down in the next 2 months and then immediately see our camp friend is at a nice dinner with their fiancée.

Right now, Instagram stories feels like a Cheesecake Factory menu – an cluttered mess of too many options that ends up overwhelming you so much that you just buy it all and then have to leave before the check comes.

Instead, let’s just do this wedding meal style - you pick steak or fish. Infographics or Normal. A lot of friendships will be saved along the way. 

2. An emoji created specifically to react to a meme someone DMs you that you’ve already seen but you still appreciate them sending you a meme and you don’t want to be rude.

If it’s a one on one DM, a simple heart or thumbs up feels like not enough of an acknowledgement. But telling someone ‘haha yeah I already saw this one’ is a crushing blow to any good meme sharer’s psyche. We need a polite laughing emoji and we need it yesterday. Figure it out Adam.

3. An update on whether the couple you followed that hasn’t posted in a while is still together or if they broke up.

If they did breakup, we need a full backstory of what happened, who the villain was, and just how bitter each person is.  

Even if they’re still together, this is a huge opportunity for Instagram to get into the growing gambling market by allow us to place bets on how long each couple will last. I need to get rich on other people’s love lives NOW. I'm not fucking around. 

Me when 2 people I barely know and have never interacted with end up breaking up after 2 years and 7 months.

4. A warning that “this meme page will sometimes post vibrator ads and TikToks of 19 yr old girls promoting their OnlyFans” before you follow.

 I don't care how good the memes are, I don’t want to get fired or feel like a Jeffrey Epstein client just for scrolling my feed at work. 

5. Filter for ‘ugly babies of my friends’ and ‘cute babies of my friends’

One feed is to photos send to your friends and be like ‘jesus fucking christ is this an alien or a human child.’

The other feed is pics for your girlfriend to show you and say “isn’t that so cute” and you say “yea really cute” without even looking at it and then she says “well that was unenthusiastic” and you say “yea I guess I don’t really care about someone else’s kid” then you end up getting into an argument about how you’re not ready for kids any time soon and maybe this relationship won’t end up working out. Either way, everyone wins.

Why does your baby look like this

6. A WAY TO SEARCH WHO VIEWED YOUR STORY

How the fuck is this not invented yet? Look, the main reason most of us are posting stories is for a specific 1-3 people to see (ie your crush) or NOT see (ie your boss.) The current format makes it impossible to do so. Get a grip Masseri or we come for you with pitchforks.

7. Find My Friends feature so you can avoid / run into people

Snapchat already did this so why can’t Instagram? Outside of the romantic implications of avoiding an ex or engineering a casual run-in with a crush, think about how much better this would make shitty work trips.

There’s nothing worse than travelling to a 3rd tier city to visit some stupid client, coming home from a long day of pretending to work and decide between drinking at the Marriot lobby bar with your coworker you don’t like or drinking alone in your double bed with Sportscenter on.

Now, you could see that hey – one of your Instagram friends actually lives in Des Moines. How cool! You still probably won’t hit them up, but at least you’ll feel a little less alone.

8. Face Shazaam for People You Vaguely Know

Look, they’re already stealing our data, listening to our conversations and scanning our facial structure in every picture that’s posted. Why not put this to good use?

We’ve all run into someone that we know we’ve met before, but we can’t seem to place them. It happens at weddings, birthday parties, networking events, group orgies, and normal stuff like that. You start to ask yourself – what was their name? Whose boyfriend are they again? What do they do for a living? Are they a participator or watcher in the group orgy? It’s stressful and unsettling.

Well, this new feature would answer all those questions and more. All you have to do is take a sneaky picture of your acquittance’s face and Instagram will show you their profile and maybe even a few fun facts about them. Now you can enjoy your interaction in peace.

Similar to the app but slightly better

9. Listing of how much someone’s new house cost and whether their parents paid for it or not.

Either way I’m happy for you, but I want to know just how badly I should feel for myself that I’m still renting an apartment that’s way too small and I still can’t afford.

10. A combo ride sharing, food delivery, vacation rental service

They’ve already added a million features and combined pretty much every social media, news and shopping platform into one app. Why stop there?  Why not make add a tab for their new Lyft-GrubHub-AirBnB combo service and capture the entire market?

We’re all going to be living in the Metaverse anyways so why not just put all this shit into one app that we all can’t stand but have to stare at until our eyes bleed out?

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