Jesus Comes Back from the Dead 

And it's kind of a bummer. 

What Elon Musk Should Spend $43 Billion on Instead of Twitter

In case you’ve been asleep at the goddam wheel the past 24 hours, international supervillain and King Nerd Elon Musk has made an offer to buy Twitter for $43 billion. Nice move Elon, you fucking moron. What an absolutely abhorrent way to spend your money. Wealth is really wasted on the wealthy isn’t it?

Sure, buying Twitter is kind of cool but it’s probably #200 on my list of things of cool things to spend an 11 digit sum of money on. What’s my top 6? Glad you asked.

6. Own All the Constellations

Elon has been very vocal about his desire to explore outer space. Every week there’s another story about the SpaceX rocket, the plans to colonize Mars, the trips to the edge of the atmosphere, etc. Yawn. This sounds like a lot of work for something that probably won’t work out. Happy to be proved wrong but that’s just what my gut tells me.

Instead of building something new in outerspace, he should be owning something that already exists – the stars. Right now, on Star-Gazing.com, you can buy a star and name it after a loved one for just $49.99. An outright steal if you ask me.

At that rate, Elon can buy 860 million stars, which is quite frankly, a lot of stars. Sure, it only represents 1% of the stars in the Milky Way galaxy, but if Elon’s strategic, he could buy out the major constellations and still have money to spare. From there, he can name them all whatever he wants. Big Dipper? More like Elon’s Large Ladle. Instead of following the Drinking Gourd as we walk north, we’ll follow the Drinking Grimes is a Total Bitch and Should Give Me Our Son Back.

Why stop there? He can even have all the astrological signs renamed to him if we really wants to take over culture so bad. Now, astrology girls can explain away their toxicity because they’re a cusping Grimes with a Tesla moon. I’m not sure it solves anything but it’s a start.

Ok and rightttt there is the “Time Elon Hosted SNL And It Was Epicsauce” constellation

5. Make Sure Jared Leto Never Makes Another Film

An actively bad guy who makes actively bad movies. WeCrashed has been pretty good so we’ll let him do TV but this needs to end. I’m not going to sit and here tell Elon to make this happen but $43 billion is more than enough to fund a large scale blackmail/smear campaign/possible poisoning situation.  That’s all the ideas I can legally share at the moment but hopefully Elon knows where to find me (@workretiredie on all platforms.)

4. Buy Applebees Half-Priced Apps for Every Single Person on the Planet

There are some critics who say that Elon should stop spending his money on bird apps and start solving world hunger. Cool idea, but I don’t think $43 billion will be enough, plus I think people will just get hungry again once he solves it. I have a very basic understanding of the human body and worldwide resource distribution but that’s my best guess of how it’d turn out.

Regardless, let’s focus on something doable – providing every man, woman and child on Planet Earth with the experience of a Friday night Applebees 2 for $20 special. That’s right, two entrees and an appetizer for just one Andrew Jackson (pre tax and tip.)

Can you imagine what that would do for world peace? One human tribe eating good in the neighborhood on boneless wings, mozz sticks, and a Southwest steak bowl. Maybe even sharing a laugh or at least a domestic beer on tap. Sure, it’d only be for one night but don’t you think that’s exactly what we need right now?

3. Buy the Entire AFC East and Stack the Jets

This one will be a little harder to maneuver with NFL rules around owning more than 1 team (you can’t) but let’s break it down real quick.

Total Valuation of Each Team per Forbes:

Patriots: $5 billion

Jets: $4 billion

Dolphins: $3.4 billion

Bills: $2.27 billion

Total: $15.1 Billion

This leaves him about $28 billion to play with. I’m assuming he’d mainly use these funds to set up shell companies to buy franchises in his names or maybe bribe Roger Goodell, but this is another situation where I’m pretty confident money would just solve any legal issues.

Once he owns every team, it’s time to start trading every single good player to the Jets and petitioning the league to get rid of the salary cap. At the very least, they’ll get 6 easy wins across decimated Pats, Bills and Dolphins teams, and if they can just find 5-6 more wins elsewhere, they’re at least making the playoffs for the first time in 12 years. I don’t want to get my hopes up though.

Realistically, this is most likely the only way the Jets will win a Super Bowl in my lifetime and unfortunately, I still think they’d find a way to fuck it up.

2. Play Games at Dave and Busters Until He Has Enough Points to Buy Every Item in the Store

Honestly, $43 billion still might not be enough. Hopefully, he focuses his energy on games that actually pay out (talking that spinny wheel, the coin machine, maybe even Skeeball if you’re good enough) instead of like Guitar Hero or some lame brain shit. With this kind of capital, he has at least a month to accumulate as many Dave and Busters rewards points as possible and just clean out the entire store. Maybe even sneak in a few beer towers, specialty cocktails or Crispy Hawaiian Chicken Sandwiches from time to time.

Now that I think about it, I would 100% watch a reality show where people have like 4 hours to fuck around in Dave and Busters and get as many cool prizes as they can (coolness to be determined by a judging panel) while finishing a beer tower and plate of quesadillas. I’m trademarking that idea right now actually. Patent Pending. Delete this blog from your memory.

The haul of the century

1. Buy Microsoft Outlook and Delete It

This would just be a super nice thing of him to do. Look, I get that it might not be necessarily for sale, but everybody has a price. Even Bill Gates.

Realistically, we’d find another solution for Outlook relatively quick. But how long would that take? Even if it only takes a week to get back on track, imagine how incredible it would feel to have all your emails and meetings and problems just go away for 5 business days. Of course, I know that the emails will still be there when it comes back. But it’s like when the Wifi or the network crashes at work for 2 hours. You know you’re going to have to go back to work eventually, but for a few blissful moments, you’re free of burden or responsibility, back to the naivety of your childhood.

I think this is also known as a vacation but whatever.

 Historically Horribly Horny Tattoo of A Hippo of the Week

I really want to know the type of person that gets this put on their body permanently. I genuinely mean that.  I don't have a single person in my life who would even consider this as a temporary tattoo and I think there's something a little sad about that. 

Longforms of the Week

• Untold: the long history of Penn State football abuse.

• The hidden history of the Dismal Swamp

• The Nurse Imposter