When You Use Up All Your Sick Days at Work

Completely Accurate Q4 Predictions: How Your Next 3 Months Are Going to Go

Against all odds, planet Earth has kept spinning and we’ve once again reached the month of October, or as those of us who’ve had their brains warped by capitalism like to call it, the start of Q4. I’m not sure when I started thinking of seasons as quarters (maybe somewhere around the time I lost all joy in my life after devoting 70% of my waking hours and mental energy to a desk job) but all I can do now is just move on with my life.

Anyways, Q4 is one of my personal favorite times of the year and to celebrate, we’ll be making some predictions for how we wrap up 2022.

She def lives in Bushwick

Work Trend: Panicking for 6 weeks and checking out the week of Thanksgiving.

This summer, you were living your best life and used all your PTO going to Europe and then “worked remotely” for the entirety of August at the beach. By the time October rolls around, you realize that you haven’t done shit since June, you’re way behind on every project and need to catch up, which becomes impossible since you 100% forgot how to do your job.

A panic sets in and you work like a madman in October, pushing yourself to achieve all your goals for 2022 so you at least get a “Meets Expectations” rating from your corporate master come performance review time and don’t lose your job.

However, once the second or third week of November comes around, it finally hits you that this is absolutely not going to happen this year. It’s way too late to get anything done this year and you know what? Who fucking gives a shit? You’re not getting fired and even if you do, that might be the best thing that ever happened to you.

You’d rather fully embrace Mail-It-In Season, lean in and let all your worries fade away until January 2nd.

Celebrity Scandal: Someone Shits Themselves at A Red Carpet

Everyone knows that celeb scandals come in threes and so far, we’ve had two big boys this year – The Slap (Will Smith slapped the shit out Chris Rock at The Oscars, which is still a crazy sentence) and The Spit (the musician trying to be an actor hocked a loogie on the other actor because he was dismissive of his director girlfriend or something.) Those were mere child’s play for the scandal of the year…The Shit.

Here’s how it will go down. At some sort of major award show or premiere event, an A – / B+ list celeb will be giving an interview on a red carpet and rip a massive, wet fart that’s picked up by the mics. The person interviewing them (most likely Ryan Seacrest) will immediately react with disgust and then try to soldier on with a brave smile and pretend it didn’t happen, but won’t be able to mask their displeasure. Their reaction will be immediately become a meme.

The celeb will end the conversation quickly, act like they are getting called to do something, and walk away. We’ll all be wondering whether they shit themselves, had a bad fart (it happens) or if there was just a weird mic sound. Then, 12 hours later, an alternate angle cell phone video is released that shows the celeb frantically talking to their publicist with a large brown stain on the butthole area of their pants, revealing the tragic truth – they shit themselves on live TV.

Potential Shitters:

• Johnny Depp – coming full circle from Amber Heard shitting in his bed

• Jennifer Lawrence- people would call her ‘quirky’ and ‘relatable’ like always

• Jack Black – I actually people would be really supportive of him if this happened

• Adele- she’d say something british on the phone to her publicist like ‘oi I fink I just had a poo innit’ and it’ll be the biggest Tik Tok sound of all time

• Timothy Chalamet – Gen Z girls online would still be horny for him and say shit like ‘I wish I was that pants that Timothy shat in’ and then someone on Twitter would say “Timothy Shatlamet” and we’d all have fun

Trump already did this FYI

Non-Existent Office Trend that Business Insider Writes About: Interview Ghosting

After a long few months, it seems like we have finally gotten past the discourse of ‘Quiet Quitting,’ a hot topic that literally no one could understand and most importantly, didn’t feel “new” or like anyone was really doing in the first place. Newsflash, Gen Z didn’t invent doing the concept of doing the bare minimum. God’s been doing the bare minimum ever since he created this hellscape in 6 days and took Sunday off to chill and watch Red Zone.

The next hot trend that happens maybe 5% of the time but gets made into a massive deal will be interview ghosting. Like quiet quitting, it’ll be very hard to describe. Is this when you interview for a job and they never formally email you to tell you that you didn’t get it? Is this when someone just doesn’t show up for an interview? Is this when you interview a ghost? We’ll never know because again, it’s not really a thing but it gets a lot of clicks.

Takes will rage, Tik-Toks will be made, every generation will hate the other, and then we’ll forget about it until the next big thing rolls around.

Elon Musk News Story: Beta Testing Body Switching with Kanye West

The two people that have been in the news the most this year will join forces for the story that rocks the nation. Like all good Elon scandals, it has the perfect mixture of business, science fiction, political correctness, and sheer stupidity to ensure every news outlet in every niche in America covers it nonstop for 2 weeks.

Just imagine the think pieces about this. There’s just so many questions.

• What are the long-term ethical ramifications of body switching for humanity?

• Will Elon become better at music?

• Will Kanye become better at inheriting a fortune from his father who made his fortune during apartheid, owns a blood diamond mine and had a child with his step-daughter?

• Will they both be just as annoying on Twitter?

• What does it say about class warfare when only the wealthy elite can afford to switches bodies?

• Is this considered blackface for Elon?

• Is this literally even possible or is Elon just talking out of his ass again like he was with travelling to space, the Boring Tunnel, Cyber Truck, and pretty much everything he’s ever invented?

• Will Elon’s body be on the next season of the Kardashians as Kanye or will it be Elon wearing Kanye’s body?

• Can Pete Davidson date both Kanye and Elon? And should he?

Which one is which? We’ll never know

Worst Office Party Performance: Halloween

A bit of a surprise pick, I know but hear me out. Every year since you were 22, you’ve had a horrible showing at the office holiday party. It’s become a habit for you to get way too excited at the open bar, say something insane to a higher up, make out with a coworker in front of HR, and then be terrified to show your face the next day at work. Well, like any good adult, you’ve learned from your mistakes and this year you swore that you’re going to be extra vigilante, following our Happy Hour tips and making sure you’re the 4th drunkest person (enjoy the open bar, but don’t be the story.) Congrats we’re all super proud of you for doing the absolute bare minimum of managing your drinking problem.

You’ll be so busy worrying about the holiday party that you’ll let your guard down for the classic trap game you didn’t see coming – the Halloween party. After 2 long years of COVID, you forgot the costume etiquette for office Halloween celebrations and either got wayyyy too into it or are pathetically underdressed in a not cool way. To cope with your embarrassment, you start hitting the pumpkin flavored punch bowl a little too hard and before you know it, a sneaky little blackout hits you and it’s lights out.

Wholesome Hippo Hay Ride of the Week

Not really a hay ride but i wanted to use something the H sound. You guys get it.

I can't believe I've been doing this segment every Friday for 2 years.

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Longforms of the Week

• The standup who turned to priesthood. 

• Spain's stolen babies.

• 14 hours in the queue to see Queen Elizabeth's coffin.