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Work Family, Episode 5
A stunning ending sets us up for next week's season finale.
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Best Things in the World, Physical Senses Edition: Final Four Update
Folks, we did it. We made it to the Final Four of Best Physical Senses in the World, the bracket that has inspired a nation and angered the entire cocaine community. After 2 weeks of madness, just 4 teams remain.
Feelings Region: #1 Orgasm
Tastes Region: #11 Frozen Drink on Vacation
Smells Region: #1 Cookies Fresh from the Oven
Sounds Region: #2 Crack of a Wood Bat After Perfect Contact
We’ll get into what happened in the last two rounds below, but if you’re new to the party, go read our full tournament summary and Sweet 16 update. Voting kicks off today at 12 pm on Instagram Stories so get your ass over there and vote.
How’d We Get There
Feelings Region
Sweet 16 Matchups:
In a matchup of two blue-blood programs, the well-oiled machine that is #4 Professional Massage falls to a top ranked Orgasm squad that finishes better than any team in the tournament. Despite tensions between the two teams, there are rumors they could be purchased by Bob Kraft and combined to form a super team next year – A Professional Massage that Ends in an Orgasm.
A thrilling OT classic between #6 Being Under the Blanket When It’s Cold and a #2 A Good Poop team that has thrived in the modern era after the invention of the iPhone, ended as the Blanket team hit a cold streak during the spring and summer months, lacking the year round versatility of a stomach cleansing bowel movement.
Elite 8 Matchup:
One of the most tightly contested matchups in the tournament ended late as Orgasm pulled away in the closing minutes, thanks to the argument that a Good Poop can be described as orgasmic, but no one has ever described an Orgasm as ‘like taking a good poop’ (at least they shouldn’t.)
Tastes Region
Sweet 16 Matchups:
Cinderella story #13 McDonald’s French Fries saw their magical run come to an end against a top ranked Food You’re Not Paying For squad that’s so strong it’s often the only reason you agree to attend a shitty work event.
In a matchup of refreshing starts to relaxation, #2 First Sip of a Cold Beer After a Long Week was stunned by 11th seed Frozen Drink on Vacation team that leaned on its 1-2 punch of Nice Weather and Vacation Mindset to knock off a First Sip team that usually happens while you’re sitting on a couch waiting for your significant other to get ready for a dinner reservation that you’re already 21 minutes late to.
Elite 8 Matchup:
America’s sweetheart Frozen Drink on Vacation stunned a top ranked Food That You’re Not Paying For team that always comes with some strings attached and usually ends up being slightly disappointing and not worth the dumb event or meeting you were dragged to.
Smells Region
Sweet 16 Matchups:
Charles Darwin rolled over in his grave, as the power of pheromones couldn’t hang with the sweet smell of sugar, as 5th seed Your Significant Other falls to top ranked Cookies Fresh from the Oven.
In a stunning turn of events, SEC champion and 14 seed Good BBQ knocked off a heavily favored Coffee in the Morning team thanks to their distinct odor, the promise of a good meal afterward and the fact sometimes the smell of coffee is just ok.
Elite 8 Matchup:
Two distinct food smells square off in the region final, and while Good BBQ kept it close for the first half, the wholesome consistency of top ranked Cookies Fresh from the Oven overwhelmed the kitchen and advanced to the Final Four.
Sounds Region
Sweet 16 Matchups:
4th seeded Cracking a Beer Can continued their satisfying run, slaying the top ranked Everyone Singing Along a Concert team that ultimately isn’t the reason you went to the show and can get a little annoying to be perfectly honest.
Two bitter rivals from the sports sound conference squared off as 6th seed Flushing a Full 8 Iron might sound good, but doesn’t always lead to a good shot and didn’t have the firepower to hang with a #2 Crack of a Wood Bat that is guaranteed to get the crowd off its feet.
Elite 8 Matchup:
In a battle of cracks, #4 Crack of a Beer Can put up a fight and can lead to great days and night, but when it comes to pure sound, it lacked the satisfaction of the pure thrill of Crack of a Wood Bat When Making Perfect Contact. Here’s hoping these two teams lay down the weapons next year and join forces, as there’s no better sound than cracking a beer can at a baseball game.
Some wood bat porn to take you into the weekend
Historical Photo of a Hippo Steak of the Week
I found this picture from a restaurant in France called Hippo Steakhouse (English translation.) To be perfectly honest, I'm not sure if this is literal steak from a hippo's meat or the steakhouse is just named Hippo Steakhouse, but we'll never know because I refuse to do any research for this segment. Either way, I'm a little torn. They say you are what you eat and I'd love to be a hippo, but at the same time, I just don't think I could bring myself to sink my teeth into the world's #1 semi-acquatic mammal. I hate cows so actual steak is pretty easy but hippos are a different story. Time will only tell. I'll probably never go to France so I won't ever eat here, but if they open a US location maybe I'll check it out. I'm not a planner so there's no way to know.