Come to the Play I'm In Next Tuesday 6/28

My good friend Zach Payne wrote a hilarious play called Fault In Our Selves and was nice enough to write me in as one of the lead characters. It's super funny and heartwarming for a play about a girl in her 20s with a terminal brain tumor.

Come check it out Tuesday 6/28 at 9 pm at Asylum NYC.

Yes this is a cartoonist's rendition of me.

The Best Interns of All Time

It’s summer and that can only mean one thing in the office – intern season. Interns have been around for years. From squires to apprentices to indentured servants, there is nothing more timeless than doing work for free when you are a young dumb idiot.

This year, we’re doing God’s work and honoring the millions of bright-eyed, over-eager and ultimately pathetic new employees who will be annoying you all summer. If we were bad people, we’d show you a list of the worst Interns ever, including an NBC Page who ending up pooping all over multiple floors at Rockefeller Center and COMING BACK the next day. No, today we will be showing respect to the Greatest Interns of All Time. Enjoy.

Ummmm heck yes we do!

10. Dennis Rodman, Celebrity Apprentice Season 8

Whattaya want from me Donald?

Dennis Rodman is one of the greatest rebounders and earring-wearers of all time. He may be the only thing preventing a full blown nuclear war between the US and North Korea. He has dated Madonna and Carmen Electra. He’s good at a lot of things. Project management is not one of them.

Dennis was on Celebrity Apprentice for a short stint in 2009, but was promptly booted after a pretty egregious mistake – he spelled Melania Trump’s name wrong. On thousands of marketing materials supporting her new line.

To his credit, when he was fired, Dennis had this extremely professional response – “Of course. It’s a key word.” Yeah Dennis, it is. It’s like the only word.

Dennis Rodman – great guy, horrible intern (apprentice)

9. Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson, The Internship

I could watch these two do literally anything

Better known as Shawn Levy and Jared Stern, these 2 bright eyed dreamers took the intern world by storm when they had the gall to accept summer internships as, get this, full grown adult men. Don’t want to spoil the movie, but let’s just say Shawn and Jared rely on their wit, charm, and can-do attitudes to secure a coveted job at Google, better known as shitty AskJeeves.

I won’t lie to you – these guys are pretty cool fellas, The only problem is, they are completely under-qualified and have none of the technical skills needed for this role. For most internships, this wouldn’t matter. It’s way more important to just be cool – know how to send an email, not be a jackass in a meeting, and limit yourself to 2 drinks the company happy hour. However, this is Google, we’re talking about. You should like, know how to code.

Verdict – Cool guys, ok interns.

8. The Intern at phebe’s who spilled his drink on me in 2017.

You are legally required to be an intern to be let in this bar from May – September

I’ll set the stage. It was Summer 2017 and I was thriving. After a grueling day at the office of ignoring emails and reading ESPN articles, I headed over to Phebes with some coworkers for happy hour. I was wearing what we call a hot guy outfit – a sweet SSBD (short sleeve button down), cool pants (jeans), All-Birds (back when these were new and cool) and sunglasses that had not been cracked or sat on yet. It was the 15th, so I had just gotten paid and was ready to buy all my colleagues drinks so they would be forced to like me.

As I’m standing there at the bar, this piece of shit intern accidentally spills his Bud Light all over me. My hot guy outfit? Ruined. My rep in front of my coworkers? Shattered. My heart? Broken.

Turns out, he was actually pretty cool and bought me a beer afterward. I found out he went to Lafayette, was working at Goldman Sachs, and didn’t know if he would stay with his girlfriend after they graduated next summer. All very impressive information. Honestly, it was kind of my fault for going to Phebe’s in the middle of the summer. What did I expect?

7. Monica Lewinsky

What is this smile Monica?

I feel bad for Monica Lewinsky. She really went through a lot and has turned out to actually, be an incredible person. But, I mean, internships are pretty easy. The best thing to do is just not sleep with your boss.

On the other hand, maybe we should be blaming her married boss, the leader of the free world, for taking advantage of a 20 year old intern. Fair. However, I have no information on what Monica’s intern project was and how she did on a day to day basis, so I’m going to leave her at #7.

6. King Arthur, Squire

Incredibly, Arthur grew from a cartoon boy into a human man

My boy Arthur wasn’t always a king. He started out from humble beginnings as a squire aka knight intern to his foster brother Sir Kay, which must have been a weird dynamic. We all know that he went on to become the leader of the Knights of the Round Table, the seeker of the Holy Grail, and have his wife stolen from him by Lancelot. What most people don’t know is that he was a terrible squire.

King Arthur became a legend after famously drawing the Sword from the Stone. However, the only reason he had to do this was because he forgot his Sir Kay’s sword at home before a tournament and was scrambling to find a replacement sword. You’re a squire Arthur – your only job is to make sure your Knight has all his shit.

King Arthur – good King, cucked by Lancelot, terrible squire.

5. Ryan from the Office (Seasons 1 – 2)

I liked Ryan as a temp, more commonly known as an adult intern. . He is me. Very dissatisfied with his job. Incredible hair and eyebrows. Set a toaster oven on fire when he left a cheese pita in for too long. Temp Ryan – you’re not so bad man.

4. Will Smith, Pursuit of Happyness

I know it’s like the point of the movie, but please just spell happiness correctly

Will Smith’s last decent movie doubles as the world’s introduction to Jaden Smith, which already leaves a bad taste in my mouth. However, this movie is inspiring as all heck. Through the power of self belief and finally selling one of his random medical device things, Will Smith goes from homeless stockbroker intern to full time stockbroker with an apartment and new clothes (not shown in the movie, but I’m assuming he would still have to wait for 2-3 paychecks before he can even put a deposit in for a place.)

It’s a great movie, but it’s honestly just incredibly irresponsible parenting. You have a child. What are you doing taking an UNPAID internship? I’m happy he got the job. I really am. But maybe put your dreams on hold so you 8 year old son can have a square meal. Everyone knows that once you become a parent, your dreams die. Accept that.

This speech gets me fired the hell up baby

3. Jesus of Nazareth, Carpenter’s Apprentice

Even Jesus was an intern kids

Before he was the Messiah, Jesus was a carpenter’s apprentice to his step-dad Joseph. One day, he finally stood up to him and said ‘you’re not my real dad’ and ran away to save humanity and make loaves and fishes with his cool friends. I am very grateful for Jesus. But I don’t think he was a good apprentice. His heart just wasn’t in it.

2. Jonas, the Giver

This dude is legit so old looking

The main character of the greatest young adult post apocalyptic novel of all time (sorry Divergent) served as the apprentice to The Giver. He was a pretty normal 12 year old kid, except, oh I don’t know, he could see colors in a world of black and white. Nothing major. What does he do next? Not much. Just absorb all the memories, pain and suffering for the entire world. Pretty good for an apprentice.

PS – do not mention the movie adaptation of this to me. It sucks. Shame on you Hollywood.

1. Sam, the Marketing Intern from Summer ’19

This kid was an intern in my department 4 years ago and I haven’t forgotten him. He was professional, driven, and motivated. He took his summer project and really ran with it. We legitimately use some of his recommendations today.

He taught me a ton of cool stuff in Microsoft Office suite including VLOOKUP and some cool PowerPoint animations. He was also just like really cool. We had lunch a lot and we could talk about anything, be it what he did last weekend, what he was doing this weekend, or even pop culture and sports topics.

I added him on LinkedIn and am still waiting to hear back. Sam, if you’re reading this – just click accept buddy. I miss you man.

Me sending Sam a LinkedIn request and waiting for his response

Passive Aggressive Checkout Clerk

Historical Photo of a Hippo of the Week

This is a stuffed version of Huberta the Hippo, a legendary South African hippo who walked for 3 straight years from 1928 - 31 and covered tens of thousand of miles in travel. Basically Forrest Gump but a chick and a hippo. Rock on