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Power Ranking Founding Fathers By How Fun They'd Be to Party With

It’s almost America’s birthday and it’s time to celebrate a bunch of white slaveowners who wrote a bunch of rules that we still have to follow 200+ years later for some reason. While I personally have some issues with these dudes (I’m very much an anti-slavery guy, just want to put that out there) they did invent America, which I think is pretty cool.

To celebrate the long weekend of partying ahead of us, today we’ll be ranking the Founding Father by how fun they’d be to party with. And for all their flaws, I do think they would, on the whole, be VERY fun to party with. In the 1700s, you didn’t have things like ‘drinkable water’ or ‘milk that tasted good’ so pretty much the only thing you could drink was beer, wine or hard cider. These dudes could put them back.

Let’s get into it.

Look at these rabble rousers

7. Ben Franklin: Criminally Horny

My issues with Ben Franklin have been well documented, but to give a quick summary for the new readers…while he is brilliant scientist, statesman and inventor, Franklin is also one of the horniest men in American history. This charlatan slept with everyone – young women, old women, French women, his best friend’s mistress, a mother AND her daughter. He was so horny that after even after he learned that his wife was on her death bed in America, but stayed in Paris for another 6 months because he couldn’t leave the brothels. He also invented syphilis and you can’t tell me otherwise.

I have no problem with him being a little whoremonger, philanderer, and ne’er-do well on his own time. It’s just not an energy that I want to be around when I’m partying.

He’s the type of guy that ALWAYS wants to go to the strip club, to the point where you’re genuinely worried for him.  And if you’re looking for a chill night with the boys and a few barrels of ale? Forget it. Ben Franklin is dragging your ass to the nearest tavern or whorehouse and demanding you wingman for him with yet another wench. Despicable.

Also, I feel like he’d make you do some whimsical toast before every drink and it’d just get very annoying.

One sick puppy

6. John Adams: Bails You Out

At the time, he was generally considered one of the nicest, most honest men in American politics, which is wonderful for his friends, allies and extremely homely wife Abigail, but not exactly what you’re looking for in a party friend. According to my 3 minutes of research, he mainly drank hard cider and had a glass very single morning before breakfast. I want to say that’s cool, but unfortunately hard cider is the single lamest drink you can have, so that kind of cancels itself out.

The only point in his favor is he was a brilliant criminal defense attorney, known for getting criminals out of sticky jams. That’s a good friend to have in your back pocket in case things go south one night. It’s the only reason to be friends with someone who’s a lawyer to be honest.

5. John Hancock: Buys Your Friendship in Drugs

Quick history lesson on the guy who signed big to overcompensate for something small.

John Hancock was, by all accounts, a pretty unremarkable man and honestly kind of a dick. He was born into incredible wealth and attended Harvard because the dean owed his dad a favor. When he graduated, he inherited his family’s massive shipping merchant empire, which he promptly ran into the ground because he was addicted to smuggling illegal items (mainly drugs) into American and repeatedly had to pay massive fines for it. That’ll do it.

Every group needs a John Hancock. The kind of guy no one likes and is not that chill. Like at all. In fact, he’s actively annoying and you’re embarrassed to bring him around new people at a pregame. A real ‘do you know who my father is’ type of guy.

We keep him around for 2 reasons:

1 – he’s easy to make fun of (he has cock in his name for Christ’s sake)  

2 – he always shows up to the party with free illegal items.

Also, you could definitely like have him pay for your tavern tab all the time. “Dude you should should sign for it, your signature is so fucking cool come on bro”

I want to clarify that John Hancock is NOT Herbie Hancock (pictured here.) They’re 2 different guys.

4. Thomas Jefferson: Snob

Like historians, I am pretty undecided on Thomas Jefferson and his legacy. On the one hand, he owned a winery and was the largest hemp farmer in the country. You know that when you roll up to his place, he’ll take you into his private study, open a bottle of $10,000 wine he grew himself, and let you try different strains of weed that he’s been planting. It’s a classy night and you feel distinguished as fuck.

On the other hand, he seems like the kind of guy that gets drunk and starts talking about some really, radical stuff that he ‘can’t say in public.’ You also get the sneaking suspicion that he has killed someone in this study that he just brought you in. Also, he doesn’t have any beer or good snacks, just super fancy shit that you honestly don’t even really like.

3. Alexander Hamilton: Wild Card

My information about him is exclusively from the Hamilton soundtrack but I’m going to trust that Lin Manuel Miranda did his homework on it. Hamilton seems like he would be a blast to party with, but your night could get aggressive very quickly. The man was addicted to dueling and literally punched a bursar. You’re absolutely going to be getting in a bar fight, which is fine and hopefully you win, but sometimes it’s just not the vibe you’re going for.

You just have to accept going into the night that you’re going to wake up the next morning on your couch with a cracked iPhone, random bruises on your legs and an insane story.  

He’s also historically handsome, which would be a bummer if you’re single. Absolutely no shot you’re getting laid standing next to this dude.

2.  George Washington: You Drink for Free

America’s first king and Sultan of Suckdown knew how to throw down. When he was in office, he spent a full 7% of his income on alcohol, and in total, 1,000% more than the national average. The man drank so much that he had to change out his wooden teeth because they kept getting stained with brandy and wines. That’s both super cool and super fucking gross but that’s kind of the 1700s for you.

The best part about a night with George is you don’t have to worry about waking up to a $132 Venmo request for ‘Shots + Pizza + Puking in the Uber’ the next morning. This dude has got you. He was well known for buying drinks for friends, and one night ran up a tab that totaled out to 3 full bottles of wine for EACH PERSON. That’s just like, so much wine.

1. Luther Martin: Booze Bag

One of the least significant Founding Fathers , history will remember him for one thing – how much he could booze. Historian Larence Goldstone wrote of him – “No one, perhaps in the whole of American history, could drink with Luther Martin.”

To sum this guy up, once when he was a lawyer representing a Quaker in court, he agreed to not drink a drop of alcohol to be respectful of the man’s religious beliefs (Quakers don’t drink I guess.) So instead of drinking in court, he poured an entire bottle of 90-Proof brandy over a loaf of bread, ate it with a fork and knife, and proceeded to win the case. No notes. That's perfection. 

A night of drinking with Luther would come close to killing you, yet he’d somehow still be up at 4 am asking if anyone wants to get a game of pong in.

Oh you know this dude was constantly sauced.

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Historical Photo of a Hippo of the Week

Look how blissful this guy is. This better be all of you this weekend or I'll be pretty pissed.